Then a pipe burst & the ceiling collapsed.”

Khan, who is currently a New Statesman associate editor, wrote on Twitter last night: “Well, that was a success. Now Jemima Khan is having her own bout of structural problems. Last week columnist Deborah Orr and her writer husband Will Self found their parapet collapsed on their south London home. Glad, as ever, to be of service to Lord Justice Leveson. Yesterday the Inquiry’s QC Robert Jay announced the solution to the mystery while questioning Hunt. Hunt had, in fact, been off to the cinema to see Natalie Portman in Black Swan, and the Londoner set the record straight on Twitter. After extensive calls, the Londoner discovered Fred Michel had got his ballet dramas mixed up. Swan Lake was not showing on February 9 that year, though Hunt had taken his wife to the Royal Opera House production on February 14 as a Valentine’s Day treat. However, the tale took a darker twist as the Londoner investigated. “The Queen may be mostly okay but imagine having to put up with a king like the insensitive, gaffe-prone Prince Philip or the Nazi-sympathising Edward VIII.” It is a burden on the taxpayer at a time of government deficit and swingeing public spending cuts.” They have over 700 servants who wait on them hand and foot. He adds: “The royals act like they are living in the 15th century, not the 21st. “The problem is not Elizabeth II personally. “For most of her 60 years on the throne the Queen has been harmless and inoffensive, even to the point of being grey and dull,” he concedes. Tatchell confesses he has no beef with Her Maj in particular, however, and would accept her as Queen if she were to win an election.

Human rights campaigner Peter Tatchell will be speaking at a pro-republic rally on the riverbank as the Queen’s flotilla passes by. Let's hope the Queen finds time for a friendly wave for one of her Australian-born citizens when she sails past City Hall on Sunday. Tatchell may be polite but he’s itching for the Tower

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Hit & Split by Simon Green